| You used to have a fulfilling sex life, but somehow things have changed. Or maybe you and your partner were never on the same page. Differing libido types can lead to tension over frequency, activities or preferences. Sex therapist and author Sandra Pertot tells you how to reconcile those differences and have a satisfying sex life with a partner whoÕs not your typeÉ Great sex and a great relationship happen when you work with your differences, not against them. Pertot, author of When Your Sex Drives DonÕt Match (Marlowe & Company, 2007) outlined the six most common libido types in her article, Sex or a Good NightÕs Sleep? Now she offers guidance to help you and your partner find sexual harmony. Sensual Lovers: YouÕre warm, totally committed to your partner and you enjoy sex. But be careful not to judge your partnerÕs spicy ideas for your sex life. While emotions may be your language of love, thereÕs something to be said for more physical expression, too. DonÕt be offended if your partner doesnÕt always open up as much as youÕd like. If your relationship is solid and satisfying in other ways, sometimes sex can just be sex! Sensual partners with an Erotic or Dependent partner are especially prone to fear that their lovers value sex more than the actual relationship. Instead of retreating when you feel hurt by your partnerÕs advances, find a gentle way to communicate that you want to feel close and you need plenty of kissing and eye contact, especially when you try something new in bed. If youÕre a Sensual partner with a Reactive, Stressed or Detached partner, you may want more physical intimacy. Take a playful, low-key approach to showing your affection and help your partner find other ways to express his or her love for you. Erotic Lovers: You are passionate and inspired when it comes to sex. Never one to fall into a rut, your sexual energy can be both a blessing and a burden. Beware of impossibly high sexual expectations that can deprive you of a close, loving relationship. You may find yourself getting bored and be tempted to write off a relationship in search of sexual perfection elsewhere. Or you may alienate a partner with too many sexual requests or criticisms. Try to find creative ways to keep sex interesting without pressuring or pushing your partner. Instead of directing sex, be gentle and explore together. Also, remember that sex isnÕt going to be spectacular every time. Routine sex can be a sign of comfort and love, and the occasional lack of fireworks in the bedroom doesnÕt necessarily mean thereÕs something wrong with your relationship or your partner. Erotic lovers are usually compatible with Dependent or Reactive partners. But Erotic lovers with a Sensual, Stressed or Detached partner can get into a vicious cycle, in which theyÕre the sexual pursuer while their partner becomes the withdrawer. Over time, the latter begins to feel hurt or turned off by an Erotic partnerÕs sexual pressure. Both drift farther apart when they actually want the same thing ? intimacy! Tune in to your partnerÕs needs and youÕll get your turn soon enough. (See related article: WhatÕs Your Sex Style?) Dependent Lovers: You canÕt live without daily sex. While regular sex is great for your health and your relationship, acknowledge the fact that most relationships experience a decline in the frequency of sexual activity as they progress; itÕs part biology and part psychology. If you want sex every day and your partner wants it once a week, try to prevent your feelings of frustration from becoming your partnerÕs problem. Work together to find a middle ground that works for both of you when it comes to frequency. Dependent partners usually pair more smoothly with Erotic or Reactive partners, who are up for frequent sex. A Sensual partner will likely feel that sex is meaningless if you want to have it every day. A Stressed or Detached partner will feel less inclined to have sex if you pressure them for it or blame them for withholding it. The solution for all three is to find other outlets for dealing with stress and negative emotions, and to nurture intimacy unrelated to lovemaking. Show affection that isnÕt just a come-on. Or try to compromise on a sex frequency that works for you both and respect it. Otherwise, your partner is likely to avoid any of the physical contact you crave. Reactive Lovers: You give 100% to your partnerÕs pleasure, but your own desire is a mystery. You may have a low libido or you may be a pleaser who loves sex in a selfless way. Chances are, your partner wishes you expressed more sexual needs or desires. In fact, your partner may feel that the entire weight of your sex life is on his or her shoulders. Your partner is apt to feel like something is missing. Sensual, Erotic or Dependent partners may feel that you are too disconnected from your own desire to make sex satisfying or meaningful for them. Or they may feel pressure to perform during sex to make you more responsive. Stressed or Detached partners may find your eagerness to please and your intent focus on them a turn-off. Take the initiative more, even though it is bound to feel uncomfortable at first. Tune in to your own pleasure and sexuality, not just your partnerÕs. Try regular masturbation, fantasy and erotic reading or movies. Share whatever pleases you physically with your partner, even if itÕs something as simple as a foot massage. Also, donÕt expect your partner to have an orgasm every time. Stressed Lovers: If your mojo is on the wane, the decline may be a natural result of aging or being in a long-term relationship. However, if youÕve lost interest in having sex with your partner altogether, the problem has snowballed into something larger. (See related article: 6 Reasons YouÕre Not in the Mood) Take a step back and assess the situation. Perhaps your partner has expressed disappointment with your sex life and created enough anxiety that youÕve stopped initiating sex. If so, your partner may feel rejected. Have things gotten blown out of proportion? Unless you have a Detached or another Stressed partner, itÕs likely your lack of interest in sex is pushing your relationship to the brink of collapse. You may have a valid reason for feeling turned off by sex, whether health-related or relationship-related. Whatever the case, itÕs important to reach out for help. A sex therapist can help with sexual function and related issues, such as orgasm and ejaculatory problems. A general therapist can help get to the root of fears and other issues that may be inhibiting your desire for sex. Detached Lovers: You may have a great relationship and decent sex when you get around to it, but you donÕt make intercourse a priority in your life. While you may be content with this setup, itÕs likely your partner feels neglected or undesirable. You might argue that sex isnÕt all that matters and that you contribute many other valuable things to your relationship, but the fact is that relationships weaken when sex stops. You can help yourself and your relationship by paying more attention to sex. Add it to your to-do list if you have to, and make it fun. Try to identify what works for you sexually. You may have forgotten your turn-ons if youÕve drifted away from sex. If youÕre paired with an Erotic or Sensual partner, take some sexual initiative to reassure them how much they mean to you. If youÕre paired with a Reactive or a Stressed partner, your renewed interest in sex can help lead the way back to intimacy.
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